Friday, September 16, 2011

Funk Day

Kind of in a funk this morning that is based on remnants of last night. I'm still really hurt over my mom's disinterest in my wedding. I'm also really concerned that maybe I hurt my knee worse than I thought I did. I still haven't been able to saddle up and actually ride for almost a week now. I'm worried that I've torn something that is slowly separating further, which is about how it feels. Every once in awhile, I feel a little fibrous snap or pop surrounding my knee cap, almost like how it feels when you pull a scab off skin that's not ready to release it, so it stretches, twinges, and inevitably releases and hurts, except this is internal.

I feel like I'm just winding myself up tighter and tighter, but I hesitate to call busy friends and try to get them to play boo-hoo sounding board or shrink when they definitely have more important things going on in their lives other than my problems. At the root of it all, I feel lonesome. I second guess myself and wonder if I should even bother some of my friends and acquaintances... I mean, I don't want to invite myself over and cramp someone's style. I feel like such a common theme in my life, be it with family, best friends, casual friends, anybody, is that I invest so much of myself and put so much effort into maintaining the relationship that they don't have to. It makes me feel like a pest and like my relationships are unbalanced, and it makes me sad.

No comments:

Post a Comment