Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I was going to post an angry little vent about Birmingham and how a lot of the people I've met in this area aren't very nice to each other, but I kind of got derailed by reading someone else's painful thread. It kind of makes me realize that sometimes my little irritations are so insignificant compared to life's bigger problems, but it's hard to be objective and come to that conclusion sometimes.

I think I get so wound up about things sometimes because I feel so isolated. I am lonely out here. Forgive me if I start to sound like a little boo-hoo pity party, because I'm not trying to throw one for myself, but sometimes I think I overreact to situations I encounter because I feel like I'm not having enough human interaction to let off some of the tension I feel.

For now, I'm living half of the dream and am really enjoying living out on my own little farm. We are leasing 40 acres on a blissfully quiet little ridge, and since I work from home, I can spend as much time with my ponies as I want because my schedule is pretty flexible (generally). There are a lot of upsides to being where we're at. But there are some downsides, too. No one really wants to visit... I'm not far from town, only about 10-15 minutes from prime time shopping and civilization, but it LOOKS like the boonies. Because I work from home, I don't have coworkers to socialize with, and I don't go on lunch dates with girlfriends anymore. It's a double edged sword, and sometimes I worry that I need to get out more to prevent my social skills from devolving... Nobody wants to see me revert to cavewoman-esque reclusiveness.

Sometimes I feel like I'm pestering the people I do actually keep in contact with. On one hand, Facebook is a neat little medium for keeping in touch with friends, from sharing little things you find funny, for venting little tidbits here and there. On the other hand, I can see how some people might feel inundated with all my postings because dear God, I'm prolific when I'm bored. I'm not doing it just to get attention. I do it because I'm ADHD and my mind runs a mile a minute. As I've aged a little, instead of bouncing off the walls, all the extra energy comes out as yapping, so to speak. I talk a lot. I will yap someone's ear off because I think quick and have a lot to say. I write a lot, too. What starts as a quick note turns into a friggin' book (like this one). But it keeps me from pinging off the walls like a pinball like back during my childhood days. It doesn't win me friends, though, and people don't understand that there's just a lot going on in my head. It's just... I'm not stupid. I think quick. I think a LOT. And it all comes tumbling out of my mouth like verbal diarrhea because I'm so bored and lonely and eager to interact with SOMEBODY and it ends up just turning people off.

I'm not trying to say oh woe is me, poor me, because in reality I'm really kind of blessed. Sure, I injure myself periodically because something will catch me unawares (hence, broken ribs for the last two months) or because I do something really stupid (i.e., banging myself up a couple days ago and grounding myself again). But overall, I'm pretty blessed. Despite the fact that he's not super interested in horses, I have an AWESOME fiance who somehow has figured out a lot of my quirks and loves me anyways. I have a job, and though it's boring, it pays the bills and funds my horsey habit. Overall I'm mostly healthy (hell, at least I'm not dying, you know?) I have awesome pets -- two badass doggies and two bitch kitties (they're pretty cute!), a lizard and a rat who are equally awesome, and 3 sane, sweet, occasionally turdly equines that make life interesting. I have a roof over my head that doesn't leak, running water and electricity, a barn for my ponies, and my car is paid off and insurance is active on it. Truthfully, I really don't have a whole lot to complain about as far as my quality of life. But the little things, the little things add up and count.

Again with the writing a book thing. It's late, I'm lonesome, I can't sleep, and my mind keeps going over and over what some stranger posted on my FB. I posted a status update a couple nights ago after my dad picked a fight with me on the phone. My dad means well, and he's generally a pretty good dad who I generally get along with, but he likes to stick his nose in the middle of things if my brother and I have a spat over something. He forgets that we're in our 20s (good grief, nearly 30) and can generally be considered adults, and he feels the need to try to mediate and sort of still "rule the roost" even though his chickies have long since moved out. It was a very difficult conversation that left me in tears, and it wasn't a conversation I wanted to have. Apparently my brother said something to him, and my dad felt the need to "try to give me advice" even though I didn't ask for it and didn't want to talk about it. Again, my dad means well, but he's pushy. I come by my feistiness rather honestly/genetically. So anyway, I posted a status update that said I was emotionally exhausted, not looking forward to [lunch with the parents] tomorrow, and that I hoped everyone else was having a good weekend and to drink a martini for me. A near stranger made a comment "I'm beginning to think maybe you're a drama queen?" and it set me off. I deleted it and unfriended her (she was on my buddy list because she coordinates clinics for a clinician I like that comes out once a month) because of how surprised I was that a stranger would put something like that on my status update for all my peers to see. I'm a bit of a softie... and words hurt. I take more things to heart than people realize, and maybe it's because I think too much. I dunno, at any rate, I felt like the mangy cur that got kicked again after something else had already knocked it down. Maybe that's too strong of a visual, I'm certainly not some puppy that someone stomped on, but damn it, it really burned for someone to post something that I thought was a little insensitive on a such a loaded status.

I think all the boredom and isolation is getting to me. I thought I would love working from home, only seeing who I want when I want, but instead I don't get to see anybody except for my fiance and my friend who boards her ponies with me. I like her a lot, but I can't just cling to her and infiltrate all the other things she has going on in her life because it's not her job to keep me entertained. I spend a lot of time on Facebook, Youtube, surfing, just so I'm not just staring at the television or trying to carry on nutty little conversation with the furry critters. Ivan can only work for so long before turning his attention span off, and Classy Lady is [STILL] extremely pregnant and out of work for awhile. I find myself even missing my college days when I waited tables to pay the bills. I was a lot more tactful and a lot less angsty back then.

So my apologies if I post sometimes and it sounds like I'm super wound up and negative. I get a lot more up in arms and cranky when something sets me off or when I feel like someone has figuratively crapped in my wheaties these days. I'm trying really hard to just find new outlets for my frustration with my current situation. I read a lot of horsey articles, reblog them so I don't forget the ones I like best (like saddle fitting articles and whatnot), I shop a lot for my ponies online, I do little crafty things for our upcoming wedding. I can't imagine why I haven't driven my fiance nuts by now with all my little spurts of frustration and busy-ness. Is that the right way to phrase that? A state of being constantly busy, to the point of obnoxiousness. Busy-esque? No, not that either.

And I'm not looking for anybody to feel sorry for me really, just looking for understanding I guess of the fact that sometimes I'm just battling other frustrations when I have my moments that I seem really tweaked. I just feel like I've got a lot going on under the surface that lend some blood pressure to other more minor, trivial things, so I end up getting more amped up than I should. I've got social frustrations going on that really don't look like they're going to resolve for awhile. I don't like going to bars and don't really meet people that way anyway. I graduated college so I won't meet any new people through school. My best friends live in different states, and they have their own lives. I'm not likely to meet new people through show season because it's almost over and I'm still semi-grounded because of stupid stuff. My body just can't keep up with my plans! Maybe I should take up knitting...

Sorry for the book, hope this whole thing wasn't a super boring read.

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